"It should have been me."

If I could take it all away from you, I would. If I could take your place, I would. I’m so sorry.

People keep telling me I shouldn’t be sorry. But what else can I be? Being sorry is born of having sorrow, isn’t it? What else could I be feeling, knowing what you’re going through? I’m so sorry—Sorry that I can’t take it all away, and make nothing hurt, and stop all the crying and the sleepless nights and the sick feeling that makes it impossible to eat. It hurts when I stop thinking, because then I remember that i’m breathing, and you can’t do that on your own.

All my life I’ve taken breathing for granted. I’m so sorry.

I can barely look at you, and I’m so ashamed for it. You’re beautiful though, I hope you know that.

I’ve been asking for you. I’ve been asking for you to stay. I don’t want you to go. Please, please don’t leave.

I love you, my little one. Thank you for changing my life.

-Auntie Kenzie

"One hand in the air for the big city"

I have this soft, blue and red, plaid, flannel, button-down (can I use any more adjectives?) shirt that I really love. I got it at Hollister a few weeks ago. It’s a large plaid pattern, the kind that makes me think of keeping warm by a fire, in a log cabin as it snows outside, having a conversation with someone special (that you may or may not be cuddling up to?)

I really want to wear that shirt But I’m afraid the magic of it will be taken away if I wear it in July. Plus it’s just too too.

—-

I finished my internship on Friday. Dad was at Scout Camp with my bros so I commuted in on the T (the subway, for those not familiar with East coast public transportation). I actually like taking the T places, I’m such a “settings” person. The noise, the smell, even the crowdedness, it all adds to this “under the city” setting, and as I experience it all, my choice of music on my ipod shifts to R&B beats, and I wish I were in jeans and a hoodie instead of my work khakis and cardigan.

I think this is why I don’t necessarily have a “style” when it comes things like clothes. I just wear whatever fits my setting. It’s not that I want to blend in, per se, it’s that I need to experience the whole moment. There are people that live in that setting for most of their lives. I want to know what it feels like to be a part of that place, in that time. I need to understand it.

—-

In other news, I need help! My skin has been pleasantly clear all through living in Utah and coming back home—up until two weeks ago. Suddenly I’ve broken out and can’t seem to figure out how to clear it up again.

Any good recs for skin care products?

The word "boyfriend" is taboo in my family...

Kenzie: She asked me if I had any beaus.
Kaitlin: Beaus?
Kenzie: Yeah. Like, suitors?
Kaitlin: ...?
Kenzie: Men of interest?
Kaitlin: ... Gentlemen friends?

All your life. . . You were only waiting for this moment to arise

I used to have lots of dreams for myself. I sometimes think about those dreams, wishing I could have made them happen. My dream, really the only one I’ve ever had in regards to a career or something of that sort is was to be on the stage or the screen. But I guess neither of those places are where I was supposed to be.

In the live-action version of Peter Pan, I remember when Mrs. Darling was talking to her children, telling them that Mr. Darling was so brave because as he grew up, he took all his dreams and put them in a drawer, and that some nights they pull out those dreams and admire them. But every time they open the drawer, it gets harder and harder to close again. But he does it.

Yeah, that’s exactly what it feels like. From about the ages of 9—14 I used to cry my eyes out some nights because people kept telling me I was so talented and would go so far, but I never felt like I was getting anywhere at all. Years later, I’m still sitting at home, a little more educated and a lot more confident, but where I’ve gone and where I’ll go are both a little foggy.

I don't think I need to say goodbye... I never sign out of my thoughts, and that's all this is, right?

Fact: Legal pads make the best journals. (I don't believe in putting a cover on my thoughts.)

This summer I have a temporary internship in the Financial Services dept. of Pegasystems.

Read: I’m working a 9—5 office job for 3 weeks.

This means I have access to their office supplies, specifically Post-Its (in a plethora of sizes and colors), large Office Max legal pads, and the most amazing blue Paper Mate pens I’ve ever used. So. I’ve decided to use these resources.

It just works for me. I can’t blog and I can’t journal, but I can think on paper, and I guess that just has to do.

So I will be typing up my legal pad thoughts so you can pretend you and I had a lovely conversation in a coffee shop somewhere (I’ve always wanted to do that) and we’ll both leave feeling like we grew in our relationship with one another. :)

Hi neighbors :) I'm back!

So I guess my move isn't as permanent as I thought it would be. It seems I still have some lovelies that like this blog, so I'll just update my tumblr and this blog with the same posts and you can choose which one you like more. :) This one has comments, which is something I like.

So expect to see random posts at random times, but definitely more consistent ones as I'm actually getting into writing again! (But don't tell me I said that or I'll deny it.) I will say though, my tumblr will have a lot more of my spontaneous thoughts, and this one will have the more structured posts. So pick and choose how you will, I'm a fan of options. :)

Love, love, love,
Kenzie

Moving day!

Alrighty. Time to pick up the old posts and move out!

To be honest, I'm just not getting the hang of this blogger thing. Monoblogging has never been my strong suit. So, I'll be posting from now on at kenzieliz.tumblr.com.

It's actually kind of funny... All I'm doing is blogging from one site rather than another... but I'll actually miss blogger a little—probably because it was my very first blog.

Which, come to think of it, is a very unattractive name.

Blog.

Blech.